Stormy Weather

Last night a new little addition to the extended family came into this world.  And it occurred to me that she entered this world much the same way you did - during a crazy storm.  And I sat and thought about this for a while.  Perhaps this is the way the Goddess welcomes strong women into the world.  And not just strong women.  Women who will grow with strength, courage, and fire in their heart.  Women who will know what it is to love both tenderly and fiercely.  Women whose minds and hands will change the world in some fashion.  A storm, which brings renewal and life and cleanses the earth - A Goddess's baptism for women of a certain nature.  Her welcome to motherhood for the Earth Mama's who will raise these amazing girls into women.  A storm, I think, is the greatest type of welcome, held only for those who deserve it.

On Thursday, you said to me, "Mommy, I want to play in the rain."  And so we did, if only for a few minutes.  You are without doubt a child of the Goddess and an Earth Mother's daughter.  And you have a new sister now.  Not a sister of blood, but a sister of water, wind, and thunder.  What a glorious sister to have.

Toddler emotions

We went out to dinner at Perkins last night.  Your father and I questioned the sanity of our decision as daycare had informed us that you hadn't napped and that they lost your binky.  As this was the first evening your Dad took off all week, we decided to give it a shot.  You did okay through out, but towards the end you got quite cranky.  As we were leaving, you got super angry about something or other.  You yelled, you screamed, and then you hit me in the face half a dozen times or so.  When we got out of the doors, I yelled at you stating "you don't hit!", and you hit me again.  You were mad at me, and insisted that Daddy put you in the car.  Then you melded down even more when you had no binky for the car ride.  Exasperated, I drove pulled out of the parking lot with you screaming your head off.  A mile or two down the road, you suddenly stopped screaming.  We had the following conversation:


Lily:  Mommy?
Me:  Yes Lily?
Lily:  I love you.
Me:  I love you too, Lily.
Lily:  Mommy.  I'm crying.
Me:  I know you are crying.  Is it because I made you mad?
Lily:  You made me mad.
Me:  You made me mad, too.  I don't like it when you hit me.  It hurts.
Lily:  I'm sorry, Mommy.
Me:  It's okay.  I'm sorry too.

And you were fine for the rest of the car ride.  We ended up going to a park we had never been to, and had an absolute blast.  But at not even 2 years old, you are starting to get a grasp on your emotions.  I'm still blown away by how rapidly you are developing your self-understanding.  It's amazing.

Seriously, it works like you wouldn't believe....

I will one day miss the day when I could bribe you with applesauce.

<3

Thoughts on confidence

Read this article today:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html?ref=fb&src=sp

My knee-jerk reaction was to agree with it 100%.  After all, girls are so much more than clothes, make-up, and hair.  We are intelligent, willful, individualized creatures.  We have interests, ideas, dreams, and responsibilities.  And yet, it seems every ice breaker, especially with little girls, is "what a cute dress!" or "what pretty hair!" or "you're just adorable!"  And one simply cannot get angry at a genuine compliment.  Although, after the 800th "she's so cute" I do sometimes want to scream "she's more than CUTE!".

But I kept thinking on this subject throughout the day.  You, as an adolescent girl, will be bombarded.  And to be honest, there is little I can do to stop it.  The media is everywhere.  Even in schools now.  And there is no avoiding the biggest cause of self-consciousness - other adolescent girls.  So, if I know there's no protecting you, shouldn't I help to arm you?  At the end of the day, I want you to know you're beautiful.  I want you to walk around everyday knowing that you are gloriously built, from your head to your toes.  I don't want you to ever look in a magazine, see a tv ad, or even look at another girl and even momentarily second-guess yourself.

So there's a balance somewhere, yes?  I tell you everyday how beautiful you are, and then immediately remind you that you are more than beautiful?  Sounds confusing, although I think that's the basic answer.  I think at the end of the day, my goal is to help give you more self-confidence than I ever had growing up.  And to help you understand how to love yourself as much as I love you.

So, Lily... you are beautiful.  And you go far beyond that beauty.  But, you're still beautiful.

Home again, home again , jiggity jig.

You tantrumed your way to sleep tonight.  For some reason, ever since we got back from vacation, you've had trouble sleeping in your crib.  However, tonight I put my foot down and reclaimed my bed for my own.  A necessary evil of being a mommy, I suppose.  Tomorrow you will have forgotten all about it, and will be smiley and giggly in the morning. 

So you've finally met all of your Aunts, Uncles, and cousins.  Dear God, did you have a great time.  And really, so did I.  It was so hard to leave, not only all of my family, but that beautiful open sky and clean air.  At first it was odd, being back "home".  Nothing was as I remembered it.  The area had grown and developed.  And while it certainly was no north jersey, it held it's own.  But the longer I stayed, the more familiar and comfortable my surroundings became.  I guess a part of me will always miss it.  But I returned to Northern New Jersey in a funk... sad to be back to a loud, crowded, polluted state and a disheveled house.  I've mostly kicked it, but it lingers a bit.  Especially when you want to go on a walk.

Maybe someday we can get out of this god-foresaken state and this god-foresaken house.

Little Things

It's going to be one of those scattered posts.  I mostly want to notate some of your little personality traits at the age of 1 and 1/2...

You will now occasionally speak in fully sentences.  It always throws me off when you do.

You hate it when people leave.  It makes you sad.  Although, you love to say "bye-bye" to all those still downstairs when walking upstairs to bed (including the dog and the 2 cats).

You get a kick out of tickling people.

You're favorite place to play is under the kitchen sink.

You pronounce hiccups, "hippuck".

You try to sing the ABC's, but never get past C.  You will repeat the letters A, B, and C over and over.

Potty training is... so-so.

You call Lenore, "Anore"

You can say "yellow" perfectly, but not "green"

Your favorite foods are pizza, cheese, and strawberries

You are slowly, but surely, giving up the binky.

You're all about your baby doll.  You feed her your breakfast.  You hug her.  You kiss her.  You tickle her.  You put her "ni-night".

You love it when I imitate you.

You would pick running and climbing over any toys.  (that's my girl...)

I caught you with one leg over the crib rail the other day.  You played it off well.

At first you pronounced "Micky Mouse", "Ma-House".  Now you say "Micky House".

You bump your head more than any kid I know.  If you have a lumpy head, I'm sorry.

You insist that the sheep in your "colors" book are actually dogs.

You got your first computer, and you love it.

Tooth number 11 is just about all the way in.

You had a nightmare last night.  I wish I knew what it was about.'

You have a tiny toddler obsession with Elmo.  But you also love Big Bird and Cookie Monster.  Still, you once made me sing "Elmo's Song" 7 times in a row...

That's just off the top of my head.  I'm sure they'll be more to come... but I am falling asleep... and your dad is coding is website.... and you are in dreamland.

A good conversation can happen anywhere

I try to write these little notes to you unedited.  It's hard, because right now you're a sweet, innocent little 18 month old girl without a care or concern in the world.  For me to decensor myself, and still think of you is rough sometimes - despite the fact that you'll likely be well into adulthood when you finally discover all of this.  The swiftness of time becomes painfully apparent as a parent.  I want nothing more than to stop the world for just a short moment, so I can drink this time in a little deeper.

I've been talking more to God lately.  Why I tell you this, I'm not sure.  Maybe for no other reason so that you know I do talk to God.  It's not to say I'm religious.  Religion is a man-made thing.  But I've been spiritual for most of my life.  I like the ideas in many religions - Buddhism, Wicca, Christianity, Islaam... but I've just never been able to trust the interpretations of man.  We are all faulted.  Anywho, back to my chats... I used to talk with  God on a regular basis.  Daily, even.  I'd stare at the stars at night and just... talk.  Sometimes it was about nothing.  Sometimes it was about troubles.  Many times it was about all the good there was.  And for whatever reason, I always had an overwhelming feeling that I was being listened to.  Now that's not to say that prayers were being answered constantly.  More like a big shoulder was there for me to lean my head on and ramble on to.  In the past few years, my conversations have become almost non-existent.  I have no other reasoning but getting wrapped up in my own life.  Being so exhausted at the end of the day that I literally collapse and pass out.  It's not healthy, being stuck in your little bubble like that.  I've missed my chats - something that was always personal and comforting.  So I've made time, now.  Gone back to speaking with God about not just my life, but all that's around me.  Keeping a spiritual presence with me.  I think it's something that so easy for us to lose.  For whatever reason, our spiritual connections tend to go by the wayside to make room for more seemingly important things like laundry and money and careers.  None of those things are as important as staying spiritually grounded, Bug.  I can't say that I know who is on the other end listening.  Maybe it's God.  Maybe it's an angel, or a passed loved one.  I really don't know.  But I know there's someone on the other end who gives a damn enough to listen to me gripe.  And to listen to me gush.  And to listen to me cry.  I know there's someone listening the way you know the tv is on, even when there is no volume or picture.

Now more than ever, I need to keep connected.  Unlike me, you will not grow up going to church.  So it will be all on me and those who love you to show you to your own spiritual path.  There will be no mindless repetition of stories and rituals, and no religious instruction book.  There will be you and I, and all those around us who love us, and a Greater Existence that we cannot possibly understand.  I hope I can teach you to love and appreciate that Being we call God.  Because I can say with all the certainty I have that He (or She or It) is there and watching us and rooting for the good that He put in our hearts to win over the nonsense our brains tend to make.  Please don't ask me how I know.  I just do.  And I hope that you will connect yourself enough with this Earth, with people, and with even the littlest of creatures to find that our yourself.

I'm off to have another chat while both of my loves sleep soundly.  Clearly, I have much to say thank you for.

<3