It's how all fairy tales end. And having once been a little girl, I can say with a fair amount of certainty, that little girls all dream of their "happily ever after". Right now you are too young to even know what that means. But it will only be a few short years before your dreams start to unfold. And they will shift and change and mold and evolve, but always lead to that "happily ever after".
And as you get older, you will look upon your parents and see their flaws and downfalls. You will watch them make stupid mistakes and hurt themselves. And you'll likely say "I'll never make the mistakes my parents make." And then one day you will. And you won't even know you have done it until it's been done. It will make you question all sorts of things about yourself. It will make you question your intelligence. It may even make you question your strength. But you'll eventually move forward thinking you've conquered this flaw, and you'll boldly go onward saying "well, now I know for certain!" - until the next mistake. And there will be times when you think all is lost. There will be a time when you look upon "happily ever after" with a bitter heart, and your faith will falter.
And here's what no one will ever tell you: "Happily Ever After" doesn't mean you will never have heartache, hard times, or make mistakes. You will do and have all of these things from now until you die. At least, this is what I gather from both experience and observation. So what is "happily ever after" then? Is it something just for fairy tales? An unrealistic expectation for little girls to pine after all their lives? Or maybe living happily ever after doesn't mean never feeling sadness or pain. Maybe it means persevering through those things - and at the end of every hard day, still being able to love freely and laugh.
Maybe.
May we all live happily ever after.
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Sunday 6 January 2013
Tuesday 1 January 2013
How Time Flies...
It took 6 months to get here, but here we are. Far from New Jersey, and in the middle of Wisconsin.
There is no way to explain to you what has transpired these last few weeks. I don't know if I would know where to begin. And as I sit here typing this, I can only wonder what the circumstances of our lives will be when you finally read this.
6 months is a long time. It doesn't seem that long, but it's a long time. And it's especially long to be separated as a family. I don't think I'll ever fully grasp how it affected you. I know it did. I watched it. I only wish I was able to comprehend how you are putting things together at this age. You were angry at your Dad because you thought he left. I recognized that. But you are also 3, so you moved on. But I wonder sometimes if you still do not trust him fully. I wonder if you sense the tension. I wonder if you can feel what I do. Now, you're scared. And to be perfectly frank with you, so am I. And you are holding on to me for support pretty tightly. And I am being the strongest person I am able to be for you. That's what moms do. You help me find strength I never knew I even had. And every single day I pray to whoever is listening that I do not fail you. Failure is simply not an option.
And someday I know I'll explain this all to you. All that was happening right in front of you, without you being able to understand. Some day you'll look back, and you'll understand better, but you'll also have a lot of questions. And I'll answer you with all honesty. Because if there is one thing I have learned through out all of this, it's that honesty is hard - but it's worth it. Your mom is not perfect, but God knows I try my damnedest to be the best mother in the world for you. And I still don't know if I'm doing it quite right. Time will tell, I suppose.
I may not have all the answers for either of us, but I'll always keep trying for you and me, my sweet little Bug.
<3 p="p">
There is no way to explain to you what has transpired these last few weeks. I don't know if I would know where to begin. And as I sit here typing this, I can only wonder what the circumstances of our lives will be when you finally read this.
6 months is a long time. It doesn't seem that long, but it's a long time. And it's especially long to be separated as a family. I don't think I'll ever fully grasp how it affected you. I know it did. I watched it. I only wish I was able to comprehend how you are putting things together at this age. You were angry at your Dad because you thought he left. I recognized that. But you are also 3, so you moved on. But I wonder sometimes if you still do not trust him fully. I wonder if you sense the tension. I wonder if you can feel what I do. Now, you're scared. And to be perfectly frank with you, so am I. And you are holding on to me for support pretty tightly. And I am being the strongest person I am able to be for you. That's what moms do. You help me find strength I never knew I even had. And every single day I pray to whoever is listening that I do not fail you. Failure is simply not an option.
And someday I know I'll explain this all to you. All that was happening right in front of you, without you being able to understand. Some day you'll look back, and you'll understand better, but you'll also have a lot of questions. And I'll answer you with all honesty. Because if there is one thing I have learned through out all of this, it's that honesty is hard - but it's worth it. Your mom is not perfect, but God knows I try my damnedest to be the best mother in the world for you. And I still don't know if I'm doing it quite right. Time will tell, I suppose.
I may not have all the answers for either of us, but I'll always keep trying for you and me, my sweet little Bug.
<3 p="p">
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