Happiness...

Happiness is coming home from work, kissing your father, and having you bounce behind me saying "Mommy, I want kisses too!!"

This is, in fact, the exact definition of happiness.

2

Can't quite say why I haven't written anything since your birthday.  It's a milestone, after all.  2 years.  2 years in existence.  A bit odd.  I think I barely remember life before you.  Seems like this long ago distance youth.  You are so much more fun than the late night drinking and running around.  You have breathed childhood back into me.  I've been remembering little things I had long forgotten because I see them in you.  It's a lovely thing.

Funny toddler story of the day:  Argilia took you shopping for your birthday today.  Being a practical mother, I had suggested a winter coat.  But of course, Argilia wasn't done there.  So, I then suggested a hat/mitten set to go with the coat.  Of course, I let you pick it out.  You chose a purple knit hat with a monster face on the front and a ridiculous blue and purple tassel on top (need to insert pictures into these things).  You promptly placed it over your head (entirely over your head) sideways and jumped out at random shoppers shouting "peek-a-boo!"  I seriously almost peed myself.  I have no doubt you made at least half a dozen people's day.

I hope you always remain that ridiculous.

Be the subject of your own life.

Once again, I take too long a pause to write to you.  I need to get better at this.  I thought I'd share some inspiration  I received today.  My boss quit her job so she could spend more time with her daughter.  I have to admit, I'm jealous.  I've wanted to do that for some time.  Her boyfriend, however, is one of the producers of Wicked... so, she can pretty much do whatever she damn well pleases, and not have to worry ever.  Not so much the case with your family.  Sorry Bug.  Maybe one day we'll have the craft bins I dream of.  And the lazy spring Saturdays in the park.  And mornings baking cookies.  And hours reading books together.  For now, it's all survival, though.  But you know what?  When I daydream to escape reality, I'm always spending time with you.

<3

Stormy Weather

Last night a new little addition to the extended family came into this world.  And it occurred to me that she entered this world much the same way you did - during a crazy storm.  And I sat and thought about this for a while.  Perhaps this is the way the Goddess welcomes strong women into the world.  And not just strong women.  Women who will grow with strength, courage, and fire in their heart.  Women who will know what it is to love both tenderly and fiercely.  Women whose minds and hands will change the world in some fashion.  A storm, which brings renewal and life and cleanses the earth - A Goddess's baptism for women of a certain nature.  Her welcome to motherhood for the Earth Mama's who will raise these amazing girls into women.  A storm, I think, is the greatest type of welcome, held only for those who deserve it.

On Thursday, you said to me, "Mommy, I want to play in the rain."  And so we did, if only for a few minutes.  You are without doubt a child of the Goddess and an Earth Mother's daughter.  And you have a new sister now.  Not a sister of blood, but a sister of water, wind, and thunder.  What a glorious sister to have.

Toddler emotions

We went out to dinner at Perkins last night.  Your father and I questioned the sanity of our decision as daycare had informed us that you hadn't napped and that they lost your binky.  As this was the first evening your Dad took off all week, we decided to give it a shot.  You did okay through out, but towards the end you got quite cranky.  As we were leaving, you got super angry about something or other.  You yelled, you screamed, and then you hit me in the face half a dozen times or so.  When we got out of the doors, I yelled at you stating "you don't hit!", and you hit me again.  You were mad at me, and insisted that Daddy put you in the car.  Then you melded down even more when you had no binky for the car ride.  Exasperated, I drove pulled out of the parking lot with you screaming your head off.  A mile or two down the road, you suddenly stopped screaming.  We had the following conversation:


Lily:  Mommy?
Me:  Yes Lily?
Lily:  I love you.
Me:  I love you too, Lily.
Lily:  Mommy.  I'm crying.
Me:  I know you are crying.  Is it because I made you mad?
Lily:  You made me mad.
Me:  You made me mad, too.  I don't like it when you hit me.  It hurts.
Lily:  I'm sorry, Mommy.
Me:  It's okay.  I'm sorry too.

And you were fine for the rest of the car ride.  We ended up going to a park we had never been to, and had an absolute blast.  But at not even 2 years old, you are starting to get a grasp on your emotions.  I'm still blown away by how rapidly you are developing your self-understanding.  It's amazing.

Seriously, it works like you wouldn't believe....

I will one day miss the day when I could bribe you with applesauce.

<3

Thoughts on confidence

Read this article today:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html?ref=fb&src=sp

My knee-jerk reaction was to agree with it 100%.  After all, girls are so much more than clothes, make-up, and hair.  We are intelligent, willful, individualized creatures.  We have interests, ideas, dreams, and responsibilities.  And yet, it seems every ice breaker, especially with little girls, is "what a cute dress!" or "what pretty hair!" or "you're just adorable!"  And one simply cannot get angry at a genuine compliment.  Although, after the 800th "she's so cute" I do sometimes want to scream "she's more than CUTE!".

But I kept thinking on this subject throughout the day.  You, as an adolescent girl, will be bombarded.  And to be honest, there is little I can do to stop it.  The media is everywhere.  Even in schools now.  And there is no avoiding the biggest cause of self-consciousness - other adolescent girls.  So, if I know there's no protecting you, shouldn't I help to arm you?  At the end of the day, I want you to know you're beautiful.  I want you to walk around everyday knowing that you are gloriously built, from your head to your toes.  I don't want you to ever look in a magazine, see a tv ad, or even look at another girl and even momentarily second-guess yourself.

So there's a balance somewhere, yes?  I tell you everyday how beautiful you are, and then immediately remind you that you are more than beautiful?  Sounds confusing, although I think that's the basic answer.  I think at the end of the day, my goal is to help give you more self-confidence than I ever had growing up.  And to help you understand how to love yourself as much as I love you.

So, Lily... you are beautiful.  And you go far beyond that beauty.  But, you're still beautiful.

Home again, home again , jiggity jig.

You tantrumed your way to sleep tonight.  For some reason, ever since we got back from vacation, you've had trouble sleeping in your crib.  However, tonight I put my foot down and reclaimed my bed for my own.  A necessary evil of being a mommy, I suppose.  Tomorrow you will have forgotten all about it, and will be smiley and giggly in the morning. 

So you've finally met all of your Aunts, Uncles, and cousins.  Dear God, did you have a great time.  And really, so did I.  It was so hard to leave, not only all of my family, but that beautiful open sky and clean air.  At first it was odd, being back "home".  Nothing was as I remembered it.  The area had grown and developed.  And while it certainly was no north jersey, it held it's own.  But the longer I stayed, the more familiar and comfortable my surroundings became.  I guess a part of me will always miss it.  But I returned to Northern New Jersey in a funk... sad to be back to a loud, crowded, polluted state and a disheveled house.  I've mostly kicked it, but it lingers a bit.  Especially when you want to go on a walk.

Maybe someday we can get out of this god-foresaken state and this god-foresaken house.

Little Things

It's going to be one of those scattered posts.  I mostly want to notate some of your little personality traits at the age of 1 and 1/2...

You will now occasionally speak in fully sentences.  It always throws me off when you do.

You hate it when people leave.  It makes you sad.  Although, you love to say "bye-bye" to all those still downstairs when walking upstairs to bed (including the dog and the 2 cats).

You get a kick out of tickling people.

You're favorite place to play is under the kitchen sink.

You pronounce hiccups, "hippuck".

You try to sing the ABC's, but never get past C.  You will repeat the letters A, B, and C over and over.

Potty training is... so-so.

You call Lenore, "Anore"

You can say "yellow" perfectly, but not "green"

Your favorite foods are pizza, cheese, and strawberries

You are slowly, but surely, giving up the binky.

You're all about your baby doll.  You feed her your breakfast.  You hug her.  You kiss her.  You tickle her.  You put her "ni-night".

You love it when I imitate you.

You would pick running and climbing over any toys.  (that's my girl...)

I caught you with one leg over the crib rail the other day.  You played it off well.

At first you pronounced "Micky Mouse", "Ma-House".  Now you say "Micky House".

You bump your head more than any kid I know.  If you have a lumpy head, I'm sorry.

You insist that the sheep in your "colors" book are actually dogs.

You got your first computer, and you love it.

Tooth number 11 is just about all the way in.

You had a nightmare last night.  I wish I knew what it was about.'

You have a tiny toddler obsession with Elmo.  But you also love Big Bird and Cookie Monster.  Still, you once made me sing "Elmo's Song" 7 times in a row...

That's just off the top of my head.  I'm sure they'll be more to come... but I am falling asleep... and your dad is coding is website.... and you are in dreamland.

A good conversation can happen anywhere

I try to write these little notes to you unedited.  It's hard, because right now you're a sweet, innocent little 18 month old girl without a care or concern in the world.  For me to decensor myself, and still think of you is rough sometimes - despite the fact that you'll likely be well into adulthood when you finally discover all of this.  The swiftness of time becomes painfully apparent as a parent.  I want nothing more than to stop the world for just a short moment, so I can drink this time in a little deeper.

I've been talking more to God lately.  Why I tell you this, I'm not sure.  Maybe for no other reason so that you know I do talk to God.  It's not to say I'm religious.  Religion is a man-made thing.  But I've been spiritual for most of my life.  I like the ideas in many religions - Buddhism, Wicca, Christianity, Islaam... but I've just never been able to trust the interpretations of man.  We are all faulted.  Anywho, back to my chats... I used to talk with  God on a regular basis.  Daily, even.  I'd stare at the stars at night and just... talk.  Sometimes it was about nothing.  Sometimes it was about troubles.  Many times it was about all the good there was.  And for whatever reason, I always had an overwhelming feeling that I was being listened to.  Now that's not to say that prayers were being answered constantly.  More like a big shoulder was there for me to lean my head on and ramble on to.  In the past few years, my conversations have become almost non-existent.  I have no other reasoning but getting wrapped up in my own life.  Being so exhausted at the end of the day that I literally collapse and pass out.  It's not healthy, being stuck in your little bubble like that.  I've missed my chats - something that was always personal and comforting.  So I've made time, now.  Gone back to speaking with God about not just my life, but all that's around me.  Keeping a spiritual presence with me.  I think it's something that so easy for us to lose.  For whatever reason, our spiritual connections tend to go by the wayside to make room for more seemingly important things like laundry and money and careers.  None of those things are as important as staying spiritually grounded, Bug.  I can't say that I know who is on the other end listening.  Maybe it's God.  Maybe it's an angel, or a passed loved one.  I really don't know.  But I know there's someone on the other end who gives a damn enough to listen to me gripe.  And to listen to me gush.  And to listen to me cry.  I know there's someone listening the way you know the tv is on, even when there is no volume or picture.

Now more than ever, I need to keep connected.  Unlike me, you will not grow up going to church.  So it will be all on me and those who love you to show you to your own spiritual path.  There will be no mindless repetition of stories and rituals, and no religious instruction book.  There will be you and I, and all those around us who love us, and a Greater Existence that we cannot possibly understand.  I hope I can teach you to love and appreciate that Being we call God.  Because I can say with all the certainty I have that He (or She or It) is there and watching us and rooting for the good that He put in our hearts to win over the nonsense our brains tend to make.  Please don't ask me how I know.  I just do.  And I hope that you will connect yourself enough with this Earth, with people, and with even the littlest of creatures to find that our yourself.

I'm off to have another chat while both of my loves sleep soundly.  Clearly, I have much to say thank you for.

<3

I ought to just watch more "I Love Lucy"

Every time I read the news, I can't help but wonder what in the world I've gotten you in to.  We're in a sad state, Bug.  I can't lie.  The entire middle east is blowing itself up, Japan is leaking nuclear waste into the ocean, oil spills seem to abound, people in the biggest and richest nations have no health care, groups are still fighting for rights and equality, and don't even get me started on Charlie Sheen...

The optimist in me thinks that you and your generation will find a way to fix it all.  That you'll be better than us, and can fix our fuck up.

The pessimist in me thinks that y'all will make it worse.

And the realist in me thinks that the world has been going to hell for centuries, and will probably continue to do so for generations to come no matter what.

On the bright side, we have each other.  If I can teach you to love your neighbor, to be kind and considerate to living creatures, to show compassion, and to love with reckless abandon - then I suppose there is hope.  But I'm not entirely certain on how to teach you things that I haven't quite learned myself yet.  I think maybe that sort of learning is generationally reversed - meaning, you'll likely be the one teaching me.

We all need to learn quicker.

Getting set to leave work.  Can't wait to see your smiling face, and to fall asleep drooling on your father. :)  

Love you.  <3

They're just so soft and sweet....

Dear Bug,

I want to record your tiny bug snores so that I can fall asleep listening to them for the rest of time.

Love,

Mom

Pretty

Everyone is always saying how pretty you are...  your Godmother sent this during a chat we were having and said "it makes me think of Lily".


As your mother and the first strong female influence in your life, I hope that I can teach you that a woman's beauty is not measured by how flawless she is, but rather is created by the stunning mosaic of her imperfections.  A picture that tells the story of a life and soul, not of someone else's ideal.

Lily Jennifer, it's true:  You are so much more than pretty.

The Big Question

The most common question I get these days is "So when are you having another one?"  Apparently once you have one child, you're expected to be a baby making machine.  I'll be completely honest, though.  I'm very torn about giving you a brother or sister.  I grew up the youngest of 5, which meant that I was both surrounded by siblings at one point in my childhood.  But having such an age gap between all my sisters and I also meant that I was the only kid in the house for a good portion of growing up as well.  Before you came along, I always assumed that I'd want more than one child.  After all, how could I deprive my kids the complete awesomeness of siblings?  But now you're here... and as awful as it sounds to say this... I don't know that I want to divide my attention.  It almost feels selfish.  You're just so amazing and fun and cool!  I want to spend every spare moment I have with you.  A second baby would mean less of the already too little Mommy/Lily time that we have.  I hate that we have so little now.  

But then on the other hand, I feel I do you a disservice by not providing you with a sibling.  Sibling rivalry is a healthy part of growing up - although, that can backfire.  On the one hand, your sibling can be your best friend throughout life, never once wavering.  On the other hand, your sibling can cause you enormous amounts of pain, and you can simply stop acknowledging one another.  It's a crap shoot, perhaps.  I love all of my sisters dearly.  And I think it was good to have one another growing up.  And I can say with 100% certainty that, despite all of our differences, in a time of crisis, we'd all be there for one another.  That's what sisters do.

Still... the thought of a second baby scares the crap out of me.  How in the world would your father and I be able to juggle two kids, when we just barely keep all of our balls in the air now?  It's a silly question to ask, I know.  The answer is, we simply would.  Goddess knows I wasn't at all prepared when you came into being. I had know idea what I was doing, or how we were going to manage.  But here I am, managing.  Perhaps not with all the grace and finesse of other mothers, but managing none-the-less.  So logically, yes, I know we'd be fine.  But emotionally?  I think I'd be a wreck.  

It also seems to be somewhat selfish to have a 2nd child this day in age.  The Earth is already taking so much abuse due to our booming population.  Not to mention, the countless kids that need families and homes.  I've been giving very serious thought to the prospect of adoption.  It feels like that might be the right choice for our family when/if it comes time to grow.  Granted, it's like helping to empty the ocean by taking a tear-dropper full out... but maybe I'll start a trend, who knows?  The only thing I think I'd miss is being pregnant again.  I loved being pregnant.  Never before in my life did I feel so beautiful, so purposeful, and so close to the Goddess as I did when I was helping to create a life.  Your life.  I felt more than whole.  It was amazing, and something I will treasure for all time.  To be able to do that a second time would be a blessing.  But... I would still feel guilty.  To be able to give warmth, love, and family to a child without those.... that would also truly be a blessing.

As you can tell, I'm really back and forth on the whole subject.  Perhaps I'll take your Aunt Jenny's strategy - when you start asking for a sibling, I'll start giving it more serious thought.  For now, I can tell you for sure that I am just too busy learning about you, helping you grow, and smothering you with love to be distracted.  I can say with certainty, that if you end up being my only child, I will still feel overwhelmed with how blessed I am.  and should another baby come along... it'll be that much more love to go around.

words, words, words

You are quite the little chatter box, miss almost-15-months.  Here's a list of words you can say:

mama
dada
da (cat)
shoes
up
baby
bug
nite-nite
bye-bye
hi
brush
uh-oh
all done (sort of...)
frog
car
cup
no
juice

Ok.  At least, these are the ones that come to mind right now.  You love to try and parrot your daddy and me.... means we have to really start being careful about what we say!  Pretty soon, you'll be talking in sentences!

2010

My Lilybug,

I feel like I should have awesome words of wisdom for you in these letters, but let's face it - by the time you read these you will certainly know that I just make things up as I go along.  It's 2:21 am on January 1st, 2011. I've was trying to reflect on 2010 as we all drove home tonight.  It was a tough year for not only us, but it seems for a lot of our loved ones.  I'm not sure why that is.  Maybe it was how the stars and planets were aligned.  Maybe there was a negative energy that we all fed off of.  Or maybe it was just stupid bad luck and coincidence.  Who knows...

We bought our home in 2010.  For most, this is a joyous occasion.  For your father and I, I think it pushed us both past limits we didn't even know existed, and tested strength we didn't know we had.  The move was a disaster.  The house is disrepair.  I was a new mother in desperate need of quiet sanctuary, and had only chaos.  Your Dad worked day and night to do everything he could (and somethings he probably shouldn't have done himself...) to make this little house our home.  But we started to feed of one another's frustration, and lived in our own heads too much.  Somehow, we made it out alive.  Although, just barely, I think.  In the end, I know that your Dad won't ever truly understand the level of appreciation I have for all that he put himself through just for the sake of our little family.  Something I could not make seen through all my frustrations and aggravations.  But now here we are in the midst of complete renovation.  In the end, I know it will be worth all stress and insanity.  There will be sanctuary for us all.  Knowing that gets me through.  There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, Bug.  You just have to spin in circles to find the right direction sometimes.

In 2010, we lost our Rocky Dog.  My heart still breaks when I think about him.  I know that you will never remember him, but he really was the greatest dog ever.  Although the added stress of an ailing elderly dog did not help and tensions with your father and I.  But we always came together when Rocky needed us most.  Especially in the end, when he needed our help to simply let go.  Your Dad still carries Rocky's collar in his coat pocket.  He's not quite the same without his best friend by his side... there's just a tiny less spring in his step that nothing will replace.  Just goes to show, a best friend truly can come in any form.

2010 saw fractures in the foundation of what we call our family.  Hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentment, repressed anger, and poor communication seemed to be running themes in all our lives.  Some relationships survived the ongoing quake.  Others were not so lucky.  Your Grandmother believes that everything happens for a reason, even the bad things.  I can't say if that is true or not, Bug.  But I can say that I can see the good that came out of all the bad for me.  And I can say that I am a better person now, than I was at this time last year.  I hope to say that again next year.  And I hope you experience the same in your life.

I am not sorry to see 2010 go.  It was a hard, but necessary year.  Like they say - you've got to get through the rain to see the rainbow.  I think 2011 will be a rainbow year for us.  And I will appreciate all that we survived in 2010 the more.  Don't overlook the good in the bad, Bug.

I love you.