A year ago today, I learned just how big love can be. It is overwhelming, and I don't think that there are words that can do it justice. Certainly none that I know. But the moment I saw your face, it washed over me like an ocean. It was like going underwater, and realizing that you can breathe just fine there. And it's not something that you get used to, or that calms over time. It holds me every day and night, and I am constantly aware of the sheer size of it. It is something that is living. But living is the wrong word... it is something that is more than living. It is what makes the soul whole.
A year ago today, I heard your cry for the first time. I felt your skin on mine for the first time. I met your gaze for the first time. I fed you milk for the first time. I watched you sleep for the first time. I kissed your forehead for the first time.
A year ago today, I learned what a mother's worry truly is. What I scoffed at as a teenager, became something new to me in an instant. A mother's worry is not the anxiety of one woman for her child. A mother's worry is collective anxiety of all mother's for all children. In an instant every news story became personal.
My beautiful Lilybug, you are a year old today. The poem states that "Wednesday's child is full of woe", and you are anything but. You laugh everyday the minute I walk into your room. You clap and dance. There hasn't been a single day yet without some joy.
A lot has happened in the year that you came into our lives - some good, some bad. It has been a year of a lot of ups and downs. There might be a lot to be learned from all that's gone on, but to be honest, I'm not really sure. The only thing that comes to mind when I look back is a line from Muppets Take Manhattan (yes, even the muppets can offer sagely advice) - "peoples is peoples". If I am able to teach you anything in life, my Bug, I hope that that is it. There are wars and killings happening all over the world because of religion. There are kids committing suicide because they are gay. There are families torn apart (including our own) just because someone can't accept who another person is - whether it be their faith, sexual orientation, or simple personality flaw. Our differences are what allow us to grow as spirits. They are what give us perspective. I think it's the prime reason I love to argue. And it's okay to argue, Lily - just do it with an open ear and reasoning mind. And in the end, there's nothing wrong in agreeing to disagree. And you should embrace the fact that someone else sees the world in a different way. It's a good thing.
But it's sad that it tears people apart. Because it doesn't have to.
I'm not a perfect person. I'm certainly not a perfect mom. But I can offer you the certainty that I will always love you. I can promise that I will always listen when you argue, in hopes that it will teach you to do the same. I will give to you all that I have, my daughter. But it's up to you how you apply it.
Happy first birthday, Lilybug. Thank you for the greatest gift in the world - being your mom. I love you.
They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
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