First Birthday Reflections - Part I

A year ago today, I learned just how big love can be.  It is overwhelming, and I don't think that there are words that can do it justice.  Certainly none that I know.  But the moment I saw your face, it washed over me like an ocean.  It was like going underwater, and realizing that you can breathe just fine there.  And it's not something that you get used to, or that calms over time.  It holds me every day and night, and I am constantly aware of the sheer size of it.  It is something that is living.  But living is the wrong word... it is something that is more than living.  It is what makes the soul whole.

A year ago today, I heard your cry for the first time.  I felt your skin on mine for the first time.  I met your gaze for the first time.  I fed you milk for the first time.  I watched you sleep for the first time.  I kissed your forehead for the first time.

A year ago today, I learned what a mother's worry truly is.  What I scoffed at as a teenager, became something new to me in an instant.  A mother's worry is not the anxiety of one woman for her child.  A mother's worry is collective anxiety of all mother's for all children.  In an instant every news story became personal.

My beautiful Lilybug, you are a year old today.  The poem states that "Wednesday's child is full of woe", and you are anything but.  You laugh everyday the minute I walk into your room.  You clap and dance.  There hasn't been a single day yet without some joy.

A lot has happened in the year that you came into our lives - some good, some bad.  It has been a year of a lot of ups and downs.  There might be a lot to be learned from all that's gone on, but to be honest, I'm not really sure.  The only thing that comes to mind when I look back is a line from Muppets Take Manhattan (yes, even the muppets can offer sagely advice) - "peoples is peoples".  If I am able to teach you anything in life, my Bug, I hope that that is it.  There are wars and killings happening all over the world because of religion.  There are kids committing suicide because they are gay.  There are families torn apart (including our own) just because someone can't accept who another person is - whether it be their faith, sexual orientation, or simple personality flaw.  Our differences are what allow us to grow as spirits.  They are what give us perspective.  I think it's the prime reason I love to argue.  And it's okay to argue, Lily - just do it with an open ear and reasoning mind.  And in the end, there's nothing wrong in agreeing to disagree.  And you should embrace the fact that someone else sees the world in a different way.  It's a good thing.

But it's sad that it tears people apart.  Because it doesn't have to.

I'm not a perfect person.  I'm certainly not a perfect mom.  But I can offer you the certainty that I will always love you.  I can promise that I will always listen when you argue, in hopes that it will teach you to do the same.  I will give to you all that I have, my daughter.  But it's up to you how you apply it.

Happy first birthday, Lilybug.  Thank you for the greatest gift in the world - being your mom.  I love you.

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

10 months tomorrow

My Little Lilybug...

You've grown so big! 29.5 inches and 21.9 pounds. You're finally out of your infant car seat. You took a step and a half! But you've only done it one or two more times since then. For now you do this weird crawl with one foot on the ground. It cracks me up. You can point to my nose, eyes, and mouth. We're working on ears. You can also show me "one". You learn at lightning speed. It's crazy!

Oh! And let's not forget that you finally have your first tooth!

The past few days you've been sick and just miserable. A fever of 102.2! You'd just curl up next to me and drift in and out of sleep. I did the same. My poor bug... thankfully, you're feeling better now.

It dawns on me that your first birthday will be here soon. I can't even fathom that. Where has this year gone?? I swear I brought you home from the hospital just yesterday.

I love the way you cling to my shirt when I hold you. I love your giggle when I tickle you. I love the look on your face when you are insistent on talking to Lenore... and I wonder what you are discussing with her. I love your open-mouthed kisses. I love your sleepy face. I love your bath splashes.

I love every single thing about you.

8.5 and growing!

8 months! 8 and a half almost, really...

Holy cow, there's so much now...

You give high fives. You clap "yay!". You crawl and climb EVERYWHERE! You talk a lot, but no words yet. You laugh constantly, which is amazing. Right now you're in front of me in your saucer. It's the best thing in the world to see you become a little person. You're so tall! I think you'll grow to be taller than me. You still don't have any teeth, but they're worker their way there.

For now, we're pulling you out of daycare. It sucks, but the economy blows right now. Hopefully we'll just get more play dates with Sean and Michele. And you're Daddy loves taking care of you, anyhow.

Remember this in life - Everything is only for now. :)

I love you, Bugaboo.

Missin' my Lilybug

7 months have flown by like the breeze. Everyday your personality shines more and more. You understand the words "cat" and "milk". You know who Mommy and Daddy are. 2 weeks ago, I was getting you ready for bed, and had to put you down in your crib while I searched for your binky. You cried when I put you down, but I rushed into my bedroom to retrieve the binky. When I came back, you were standing up, holding on to the side of the crib crying. I gasped and it must have scared you, because you fell backwards into the crib. Daddy lowered the crib the next day.

You're almost crawling. You can scoot around and get where you want to go, but it's a slow and steady pace.

My first mother's day was lovely. The best part was a mid-morning nap that we took together. You were laying down on my bed next to me, but not snuggled up. You just held my hand and watched my face until your eyes drooped closed. I love our calm and connected moments together.

Tonight is your first night away from home. It's harder than I thought it would be, but I am looking forward to a night out with your wonderful father.

I can't wait to see you in the morning. I miss your smile already. I love you.

5 Months

You're 5 months old now. Everyday you amaze me. Watching you discover and learn is a phenomenal thing to witness. You laugh first thing every morning when I come into your room. It's the best way to start a day. You crinkle your eyebrows at me when I try to get you to say "mama". I know you're trying to figure it out. So far you've looked at me and said "bla bla". You've named your monkey Bobo as you often look at him and say "bobobobobobobobo". Your nose sometimes wrinkles when you laugh. I adore that. You can roll all over the place. You especially love to do this while I'm trying to change your diaper. You'll let me know you're hungry by trying to eat my face. We still struggle a bit with nursing. My milk production just isn't what it should be at this stage. But I'm not giving up on us yet. I know it's important to both of us. You look so peaceful when we nurse successfully. We're in a new house. It took you a few weeks to get used to. For 2 weeks you wouldn't sleep anywhere but our bed, cuddled in one of our arms.

You are the most beautiful thing I have ever known. I love you.

She was sent to save me

You were born at 12:24pm on a Wednesday afternoon. After being in labor for 26 hours, they decided to intervene and give me a c-section. Even in my drug induced haze, your cry was so crystal clear. It rang through the room. It was the most beautiful song I've ever heard. Your father told me you were a girl. I cried, and I kissed you once before I fell asleep.

That's been the greatest day of my life so far.

It's been 6 weeks now. In becoming a parent, my life has certainly changed. But what has surprised me is how natural and comfortable it has been. I'm not saying there hasn't been stressful moments (our breastfeeding journey has been a bumpy road), but it just seems that you've always been here. I knew all along, and yet I didn't. Looking into your eyes for the first time, I realized I was looking into the familiar eyes of somebody I've loved all my life.

The most amazing thing in the world is to see the product of two hearts and two souls combined into one. No matter what the future may bring, always know that you were conceived in honest, true love.

Your Daddy adores you.

I am both inspired and terrified by you.

There's so much for you here in this world. There's so much you're going to do and see and feel. Every ounce of joy and pain is phenomenal.

My beautiful Lily... in just 6 short weeks, you've taught me so much.

it's been way too long since i last wrote.

to think that you'll be here... actually here looking at me... any day now....

that absolutely astounds me.

somehow, as i sit looking at my bassinet and changing table and baby clothes and stuffed toys

somehow...

it's still not completely real. because you are the smallest huge thing ever.

there's so much to write about the last few months. so much craziness. so much loveliness.

things to remember:
i craved salt and vinegar potato chips, grilled cheese, fruit, and occasionally... taco bell.
you preferred to sleep on my left side. it hurt after a while.
you once had your foot on top of my ribs for 3 days. remind me to ask you why.
i think i vomited more in my 9 month pregnancy than i did in 4 years of college.
my favorite thing in the world is hearing your heartbeat when i go to the doctor.
lenore loves to sleep on you right now.
all of the family thinks you are a boy. all of my coworkers think you are a girl.
i sing to you in the car.
your father sometimes lays next to my belly and talks to you.
your grandmother and i had a hell of a time putting your bassinet together.

i know there's more to remember. i know there's lots i'll forget. i'm so excited and terrified at the same time. i know that i've prepared myself as much as i can. sadly, i've learned there's just not a whole lot i can do.

we're putting another bid in on a house... i hope it becomes a home for our family.

i hope for a whole lot of things.