How Time Flies...

It took 6 months to get here, but here we are.  Far from New Jersey, and in the middle of Wisconsin.

There is no way to explain to you what has transpired these last few weeks.  I don't know if I would know where to begin.  And as I sit here typing this, I can only wonder what the circumstances of our lives will be when you finally read this.

6 months is a long time.  It doesn't seem that long, but it's a long time.  And it's especially long to be separated as a family.  I don't think I'll ever fully grasp how it affected you.  I know it did.  I watched it.  I only wish I was able to comprehend how you are putting things together at this age.  You were angry at your Dad because you thought he left.  I recognized that.  But you are also 3, so you moved on.  But I wonder sometimes if you still do not trust him fully.  I wonder if you sense the tension.  I wonder if you can feel what I do.  Now, you're scared.  And to be perfectly frank with you, so am I.  And you are holding on to me for support pretty tightly.  And I am being the strongest person I am able to be for you.  That's what moms do.  You help me find strength I never knew I even had.  And every single day I pray to whoever is listening that I do not fail you.  Failure is simply not an option.

And someday I know I'll explain this all to you.  All that was happening right in front of you, without you being able to understand.  Some day you'll look back, and you'll understand better, but you'll also have a lot of questions.  And I'll answer you with all honesty.  Because if there is one thing I have learned through out all of this, it's that honesty is hard - but it's worth it.  Your mom is not perfect, but God knows I try my damnedest to be the best mother in the world for you.  And I still don't know if I'm doing it quite right.  Time will tell, I suppose.

I may not have all the answers for either of us, but I'll always keep trying for you and me, my sweet little Bug.

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