Missin' my Lilybug

7 months have flown by like the breeze. Everyday your personality shines more and more. You understand the words "cat" and "milk". You know who Mommy and Daddy are. 2 weeks ago, I was getting you ready for bed, and had to put you down in your crib while I searched for your binky. You cried when I put you down, but I rushed into my bedroom to retrieve the binky. When I came back, you were standing up, holding on to the side of the crib crying. I gasped and it must have scared you, because you fell backwards into the crib. Daddy lowered the crib the next day.

You're almost crawling. You can scoot around and get where you want to go, but it's a slow and steady pace.

My first mother's day was lovely. The best part was a mid-morning nap that we took together. You were laying down on my bed next to me, but not snuggled up. You just held my hand and watched my face until your eyes drooped closed. I love our calm and connected moments together.

Tonight is your first night away from home. It's harder than I thought it would be, but I am looking forward to a night out with your wonderful father.

I can't wait to see you in the morning. I miss your smile already. I love you.

5 Months

You're 5 months old now. Everyday you amaze me. Watching you discover and learn is a phenomenal thing to witness. You laugh first thing every morning when I come into your room. It's the best way to start a day. You crinkle your eyebrows at me when I try to get you to say "mama". I know you're trying to figure it out. So far you've looked at me and said "bla bla". You've named your monkey Bobo as you often look at him and say "bobobobobobobobo". Your nose sometimes wrinkles when you laugh. I adore that. You can roll all over the place. You especially love to do this while I'm trying to change your diaper. You'll let me know you're hungry by trying to eat my face. We still struggle a bit with nursing. My milk production just isn't what it should be at this stage. But I'm not giving up on us yet. I know it's important to both of us. You look so peaceful when we nurse successfully. We're in a new house. It took you a few weeks to get used to. For 2 weeks you wouldn't sleep anywhere but our bed, cuddled in one of our arms.

You are the most beautiful thing I have ever known. I love you.

She was sent to save me

You were born at 12:24pm on a Wednesday afternoon. After being in labor for 26 hours, they decided to intervene and give me a c-section. Even in my drug induced haze, your cry was so crystal clear. It rang through the room. It was the most beautiful song I've ever heard. Your father told me you were a girl. I cried, and I kissed you once before I fell asleep.

That's been the greatest day of my life so far.

It's been 6 weeks now. In becoming a parent, my life has certainly changed. But what has surprised me is how natural and comfortable it has been. I'm not saying there hasn't been stressful moments (our breastfeeding journey has been a bumpy road), but it just seems that you've always been here. I knew all along, and yet I didn't. Looking into your eyes for the first time, I realized I was looking into the familiar eyes of somebody I've loved all my life.

The most amazing thing in the world is to see the product of two hearts and two souls combined into one. No matter what the future may bring, always know that you were conceived in honest, true love.

Your Daddy adores you.

I am both inspired and terrified by you.

There's so much for you here in this world. There's so much you're going to do and see and feel. Every ounce of joy and pain is phenomenal.

My beautiful Lily... in just 6 short weeks, you've taught me so much.

it's been way too long since i last wrote.

to think that you'll be here... actually here looking at me... any day now....

that absolutely astounds me.

somehow, as i sit looking at my bassinet and changing table and baby clothes and stuffed toys

somehow...

it's still not completely real. because you are the smallest huge thing ever.

there's so much to write about the last few months. so much craziness. so much loveliness.

things to remember:
i craved salt and vinegar potato chips, grilled cheese, fruit, and occasionally... taco bell.
you preferred to sleep on my left side. it hurt after a while.
you once had your foot on top of my ribs for 3 days. remind me to ask you why.
i think i vomited more in my 9 month pregnancy than i did in 4 years of college.
my favorite thing in the world is hearing your heartbeat when i go to the doctor.
lenore loves to sleep on you right now.
all of the family thinks you are a boy. all of my coworkers think you are a girl.
i sing to you in the car.
your father sometimes lays next to my belly and talks to you.
your grandmother and i had a hell of a time putting your bassinet together.

i know there's more to remember. i know there's lots i'll forget. i'm so excited and terrified at the same time. i know that i've prepared myself as much as i can. sadly, i've learned there's just not a whole lot i can do.

we're putting another bid in on a house... i hope it becomes a home for our family.

i hope for a whole lot of things.

strings

i don't even know what to write. where to begin. it's so much, that i don't think words even work anymore...

gah.

there's just too much going on... too much that's important.

and i'm gonna fuck it all up.

i want to crawl into a hole.

i have no idea what i'm doing.

i feel like any decision i make right now will be utterly wrong, and i'll pay for it for the rest of my life.

and it kills me, because somehow i can't get through this like i normally do... i can usually reason or meditate my way through these things. and yet... not so much.

i want to scream and cry and sleep... maybe bang my head into a wall....

everyday is a struggle not to break.

no time to be broken...

cause it's all moving really fast... and if i don't keep up...

i'm fucked.

racing with myself

So I haven't written here in about a month... I've been trying to figure out why. The truth of the matter is... I'm really fucking scared. Like. Crazy scared.

And it's not just the whole ohmygodimgonnabeafuckingparent thing, although that does play a large part. It's everything...

What if I'm not eating enough?
What if I'm eating too much?
Is the baby getting the right nutrition?
Am I exercising enough?
Am I exercising too much?
The baby hasn't moved all day... is she ok?
What if something is wrong and I don't know it?
If I wait for my doctor's appointment, will it be too late?
If I call the doctor, am I paranoid?
What was that cramp?
Have I gained too much weight?
What if I never lose the weight?
Is my husband still going to find me attractive?
The baby just moved... is she ok?

And so on...

No one tells you about the terrible paranoia that comes with pregnancy. Although it could just be me...

Today was my third 10 hour day at work... it's definitely getting harder than it used to be.

Dear God... I have no idea how I'm going to balance my career and being a mom... looking at it now, it seems impossible.

I want to crawl into a hole and close my eyes...

I recently had a nightmare that I was pregnant. I woke up and remembered I was pregnant. I've never felt more guilty...

I feel like the panic is making me disconnect from the baby. And that makes me panic more.

I'm really nervous about postpartum.

Sometimes I think Jason is avoiding the whole "wife is preggers" thing.

I'm having trouble sleeping... I don't know if it's being pregnant, or being crazy.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm working so much to avoid thinking about all of this.

And I still can't tell if this is just reality slapping me in the face, or if I'm just losing my mind.

I woke up crying at 5 in the morning the other day. I cried because Jason was sleeping on the couch due to the fact that our living room gets 15 degrees cooler than our bedroom.

Ok. Maybe that last one was hormones...

Maybe it's all hormones...

And that's just it.

I really have no goddamned idea...

I guess it's never too early to start worrying about your child...

So... yesterday I found out that my blood is low on a hormone. Now, I have no idea what the hormone name is now. The doctor told me, but I'm just not that typical pregnant woman who retains the name and job of every hormone in her body. Anyway, I'm low on this hormone... and it could effect the baby's growth. The baby might not grow fast enough, and be born too small. I have to go in every 3-4 weeks so the doc can measure the baby, and see how its growing. I was assured that it's certainly nothing to freak out about or worry about. It's just a precaution.

Ya know...

It still really scares the crap out of me.