racing with myself

So I haven't written here in about a month... I've been trying to figure out why. The truth of the matter is... I'm really fucking scared. Like. Crazy scared.

And it's not just the whole ohmygodimgonnabeafuckingparent thing, although that does play a large part. It's everything...

What if I'm not eating enough?
What if I'm eating too much?
Is the baby getting the right nutrition?
Am I exercising enough?
Am I exercising too much?
The baby hasn't moved all day... is she ok?
What if something is wrong and I don't know it?
If I wait for my doctor's appointment, will it be too late?
If I call the doctor, am I paranoid?
What was that cramp?
Have I gained too much weight?
What if I never lose the weight?
Is my husband still going to find me attractive?
The baby just moved... is she ok?

And so on...

No one tells you about the terrible paranoia that comes with pregnancy. Although it could just be me...

Today was my third 10 hour day at work... it's definitely getting harder than it used to be.

Dear God... I have no idea how I'm going to balance my career and being a mom... looking at it now, it seems impossible.

I want to crawl into a hole and close my eyes...

I recently had a nightmare that I was pregnant. I woke up and remembered I was pregnant. I've never felt more guilty...

I feel like the panic is making me disconnect from the baby. And that makes me panic more.

I'm really nervous about postpartum.

Sometimes I think Jason is avoiding the whole "wife is preggers" thing.

I'm having trouble sleeping... I don't know if it's being pregnant, or being crazy.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm working so much to avoid thinking about all of this.

And I still can't tell if this is just reality slapping me in the face, or if I'm just losing my mind.

I woke up crying at 5 in the morning the other day. I cried because Jason was sleeping on the couch due to the fact that our living room gets 15 degrees cooler than our bedroom.

Ok. Maybe that last one was hormones...

Maybe it's all hormones...

And that's just it.

I really have no goddamned idea...