The Big Question

The most common question I get these days is "So when are you having another one?"  Apparently once you have one child, you're expected to be a baby making machine.  I'll be completely honest, though.  I'm very torn about giving you a brother or sister.  I grew up the youngest of 5, which meant that I was both surrounded by siblings at one point in my childhood.  But having such an age gap between all my sisters and I also meant that I was the only kid in the house for a good portion of growing up as well.  Before you came along, I always assumed that I'd want more than one child.  After all, how could I deprive my kids the complete awesomeness of siblings?  But now you're here... and as awful as it sounds to say this... I don't know that I want to divide my attention.  It almost feels selfish.  You're just so amazing and fun and cool!  I want to spend every spare moment I have with you.  A second baby would mean less of the already too little Mommy/Lily time that we have.  I hate that we have so little now.  

But then on the other hand, I feel I do you a disservice by not providing you with a sibling.  Sibling rivalry is a healthy part of growing up - although, that can backfire.  On the one hand, your sibling can be your best friend throughout life, never once wavering.  On the other hand, your sibling can cause you enormous amounts of pain, and you can simply stop acknowledging one another.  It's a crap shoot, perhaps.  I love all of my sisters dearly.  And I think it was good to have one another growing up.  And I can say with 100% certainty that, despite all of our differences, in a time of crisis, we'd all be there for one another.  That's what sisters do.

Still... the thought of a second baby scares the crap out of me.  How in the world would your father and I be able to juggle two kids, when we just barely keep all of our balls in the air now?  It's a silly question to ask, I know.  The answer is, we simply would.  Goddess knows I wasn't at all prepared when you came into being. I had know idea what I was doing, or how we were going to manage.  But here I am, managing.  Perhaps not with all the grace and finesse of other mothers, but managing none-the-less.  So logically, yes, I know we'd be fine.  But emotionally?  I think I'd be a wreck.  

It also seems to be somewhat selfish to have a 2nd child this day in age.  The Earth is already taking so much abuse due to our booming population.  Not to mention, the countless kids that need families and homes.  I've been giving very serious thought to the prospect of adoption.  It feels like that might be the right choice for our family when/if it comes time to grow.  Granted, it's like helping to empty the ocean by taking a tear-dropper full out... but maybe I'll start a trend, who knows?  The only thing I think I'd miss is being pregnant again.  I loved being pregnant.  Never before in my life did I feel so beautiful, so purposeful, and so close to the Goddess as I did when I was helping to create a life.  Your life.  I felt more than whole.  It was amazing, and something I will treasure for all time.  To be able to do that a second time would be a blessing.  But... I would still feel guilty.  To be able to give warmth, love, and family to a child without those.... that would also truly be a blessing.

As you can tell, I'm really back and forth on the whole subject.  Perhaps I'll take your Aunt Jenny's strategy - when you start asking for a sibling, I'll start giving it more serious thought.  For now, I can tell you for sure that I am just too busy learning about you, helping you grow, and smothering you with love to be distracted.  I can say with certainty, that if you end up being my only child, I will still feel overwhelmed with how blessed I am.  and should another baby come along... it'll be that much more love to go around.