2010

My Lilybug,

I feel like I should have awesome words of wisdom for you in these letters, but let's face it - by the time you read these you will certainly know that I just make things up as I go along.  It's 2:21 am on January 1st, 2011. I've was trying to reflect on 2010 as we all drove home tonight.  It was a tough year for not only us, but it seems for a lot of our loved ones.  I'm not sure why that is.  Maybe it was how the stars and planets were aligned.  Maybe there was a negative energy that we all fed off of.  Or maybe it was just stupid bad luck and coincidence.  Who knows...

We bought our home in 2010.  For most, this is a joyous occasion.  For your father and I, I think it pushed us both past limits we didn't even know existed, and tested strength we didn't know we had.  The move was a disaster.  The house is disrepair.  I was a new mother in desperate need of quiet sanctuary, and had only chaos.  Your Dad worked day and night to do everything he could (and somethings he probably shouldn't have done himself...) to make this little house our home.  But we started to feed of one another's frustration, and lived in our own heads too much.  Somehow, we made it out alive.  Although, just barely, I think.  In the end, I know that your Dad won't ever truly understand the level of appreciation I have for all that he put himself through just for the sake of our little family.  Something I could not make seen through all my frustrations and aggravations.  But now here we are in the midst of complete renovation.  In the end, I know it will be worth all stress and insanity.  There will be sanctuary for us all.  Knowing that gets me through.  There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, Bug.  You just have to spin in circles to find the right direction sometimes.

In 2010, we lost our Rocky Dog.  My heart still breaks when I think about him.  I know that you will never remember him, but he really was the greatest dog ever.  Although the added stress of an ailing elderly dog did not help and tensions with your father and I.  But we always came together when Rocky needed us most.  Especially in the end, when he needed our help to simply let go.  Your Dad still carries Rocky's collar in his coat pocket.  He's not quite the same without his best friend by his side... there's just a tiny less spring in his step that nothing will replace.  Just goes to show, a best friend truly can come in any form.

2010 saw fractures in the foundation of what we call our family.  Hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentment, repressed anger, and poor communication seemed to be running themes in all our lives.  Some relationships survived the ongoing quake.  Others were not so lucky.  Your Grandmother believes that everything happens for a reason, even the bad things.  I can't say if that is true or not, Bug.  But I can say that I can see the good that came out of all the bad for me.  And I can say that I am a better person now, than I was at this time last year.  I hope to say that again next year.  And I hope you experience the same in your life.

I am not sorry to see 2010 go.  It was a hard, but necessary year.  Like they say - you've got to get through the rain to see the rainbow.  I think 2011 will be a rainbow year for us.  And I will appreciate all that we survived in 2010 the more.  Don't overlook the good in the bad, Bug.

I love you.