My Lilybug,
I feel like I should have awesome words of wisdom for you in these letters, but let's face it - by the time you read these you will certainly know that I just make things up as I go along. It's 2:21 am on January 1st, 2011. I've was trying to reflect on 2010 as we all drove home tonight. It was a tough year for not only us, but it seems for a lot of our loved ones. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it was how the stars and planets were aligned. Maybe there was a negative energy that we all fed off of. Or maybe it was just stupid bad luck and coincidence. Who knows...
We bought our home in 2010. For most, this is a joyous occasion. For your father and I, I think it pushed us both past limits we didn't even know existed, and tested strength we didn't know we had. The move was a disaster. The house is disrepair. I was a new mother in desperate need of quiet sanctuary, and had only chaos. Your Dad worked day and night to do everything he could (and somethings he probably shouldn't have done himself...) to make this little house our home. But we started to feed of one another's frustration, and lived in our own heads too much. Somehow, we made it out alive. Although, just barely, I think. In the end, I know that your Dad won't ever truly understand the level of appreciation I have for all that he put himself through just for the sake of our little family. Something I could not make seen through all my frustrations and aggravations. But now here we are in the midst of complete renovation. In the end, I know it will be worth all stress and insanity. There will be sanctuary for us all. Knowing that gets me through. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, Bug. You just have to spin in circles to find the right direction sometimes.
In 2010, we lost our Rocky Dog. My heart still breaks when I think about him. I know that you will never remember him, but he really was the greatest dog ever. Although the added stress of an ailing elderly dog did not help and tensions with your father and I. But we always came together when Rocky needed us most. Especially in the end, when he needed our help to simply let go. Your Dad still carries Rocky's collar in his coat pocket. He's not quite the same without his best friend by his side... there's just a tiny less spring in his step that nothing will replace. Just goes to show, a best friend truly can come in any form.
2010 saw fractures in the foundation of what we call our family. Hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentment, repressed anger, and poor communication seemed to be running themes in all our lives. Some relationships survived the ongoing quake. Others were not so lucky. Your Grandmother believes that everything happens for a reason, even the bad things. I can't say if that is true or not, Bug. But I can say that I can see the good that came out of all the bad for me. And I can say that I am a better person now, than I was at this time last year. I hope to say that again next year. And I hope you experience the same in your life.
I am not sorry to see 2010 go. It was a hard, but necessary year. Like they say - you've got to get through the rain to see the rainbow. I think 2011 will be a rainbow year for us. And I will appreciate all that we survived in 2010 the more. Don't overlook the good in the bad, Bug.
I love you.
Saturday, 1 January 2011
Thursday, 25 November 2010
Words of Wisdom from Aunt Gracie
Your Aunt Gracie (currently age 9) wrote this for your today. I hope to keep this one forever, but just in case, I'm copying it here.
Tips on being a girl.
When you are 4 or 3 you will relize you need friends. Your usual already playing with other people but you don't pick your friends until you go to preschool or pre-k. Then if you meet a nice girl then be yourself! The best way to make a friend! If they don't appreciate that don't make a lie she's just not right for your friend.
Never lie.
You hear this word a lot now don't ya? It's true you have to tell the truth. If you get a 0 on a test, don't lie. Your Mom would understand. Your Dad probably not.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. Its true. Your just about to eat the last gummy bear when someone says "can I have one" you say no they might not give you their last piece of of food.
Tips on being a girl.
When you are 4 or 3 you will relize you need friends. Your usual already playing with other people but you don't pick your friends until you go to preschool or pre-k. Then if you meet a nice girl then be yourself! The best way to make a friend! If they don't appreciate that don't make a lie she's just not right for your friend.
Never lie.
You hear this word a lot now don't ya? It's true you have to tell the truth. If you get a 0 on a test, don't lie. Your Mom would understand. Your Dad probably not.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. Its true. Your just about to eat the last gummy bear when someone says "can I have one" you say no they might not give you their last piece of of food.
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Night-Night Bobo
Watching you play independently is always fascinating. You are currently putting Bobo to bed. His bed, of course, is the little kitchen set that Aunt Jenny gave you. Being the resourceful little Bug that you are, you simply knocked it over - voila! a bed! You put him down and put a little blankie on him. It was really quite adorable. I wish I had my camera. A little blogged memory will have to do.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Recordings of ridiculous cuteness...
So your communication skills seem to be growing like a wild fire these days! You are WELL aware how to shake your head "no", and you've even picked up some of the baby signs we've been doing! Today had 2 great examples of this.
You woke up around 6am this morning. Now, for normal 1 year-olds, that's not odd. Not so much for you. You tend to snooze until 7, or even 8 some days. But it was pretty convenient that you woke up early, as I had to be at work by 7:30. And when commuting from Linden to Manhattan, that takes some doin'. So I scooped you up, sang our good morning song, and changed your diaper. I then handed you to your half-asleep father, who was still in bed. It took me all of 5 minutes to finish getting ready. I came back in the room, expecting to find your squirming like crazy, and your daddy doing his best to hold on to you. Instead, I find the two of you curled up together under a blanket. It was getting late, and we had to get going. I offered my arms and said "up?". You quite adamantly shook your head "no". So I paused for a moment, thinking maybe it was just a fluke. I tried again - "up?" Your head shook "no" a second time, and then your turned away and closed your eyes. Needless to say, I took the car and drove myself to the bus this morning. Your daddy NEVER walks away from a cuddle nap.
When I got home tonight, we had play time. Your Grandma Dorothy bought you a neat little book made of foam that teaches colors. It even has little pop out shapes. So I sat on the floor of the living room and showed it to you. We went through each page (ok, there's only about 4...) saying the colors and what the pictures were. At the end of the book, you looked at me and signed "more". It was the first time you had used the sign outside the context of food! I was amazed! It completely showed that you were grasping the concept of "more" on a new level. Of course, we read the book again.
It is both way cool and way weird to watch you turn into a little person.
You woke up around 6am this morning. Now, for normal 1 year-olds, that's not odd. Not so much for you. You tend to snooze until 7, or even 8 some days. But it was pretty convenient that you woke up early, as I had to be at work by 7:30. And when commuting from Linden to Manhattan, that takes some doin'. So I scooped you up, sang our good morning song, and changed your diaper. I then handed you to your half-asleep father, who was still in bed. It took me all of 5 minutes to finish getting ready. I came back in the room, expecting to find your squirming like crazy, and your daddy doing his best to hold on to you. Instead, I find the two of you curled up together under a blanket. It was getting late, and we had to get going. I offered my arms and said "up?". You quite adamantly shook your head "no". So I paused for a moment, thinking maybe it was just a fluke. I tried again - "up?" Your head shook "no" a second time, and then your turned away and closed your eyes. Needless to say, I took the car and drove myself to the bus this morning. Your daddy NEVER walks away from a cuddle nap.
When I got home tonight, we had play time. Your Grandma Dorothy bought you a neat little book made of foam that teaches colors. It even has little pop out shapes. So I sat on the floor of the living room and showed it to you. We went through each page (ok, there's only about 4...) saying the colors and what the pictures were. At the end of the book, you looked at me and signed "more". It was the first time you had used the sign outside the context of food! I was amazed! It completely showed that you were grasping the concept of "more" on a new level. Of course, we read the book again.
It is both way cool and way weird to watch you turn into a little person.
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Birthday Reflections - Part II
You were so small. Where did my baby go?
Nonsense. You'll always be my baby. Forever and ever.
I have so many wishes for you, Lily. So very many. I wish them everyday for you. I wish that you will always look at the world with new eyes. I wish that you'll always treat other people's hearts as you want yours to be treated. I wish that you will laugh everyday. I wish that you will always have a hand to hold. I wish that you always know the joy of loving, and being loved. I wish that you always do your best to make this world a better place. I wish for you to know that it's okay to cry when you want to cry. I wish for you to always dream big and shoot for the moon. I wish that your innocence will live forever somewhere in your heart. I wish for you to have your own sense of style and self. I wish you peace in your life. I wish that you too will one day know what a joy it is to have a daughter...
And the list goes on and on and on...
You are very lucky, you know. There's a lot of people out there who love you. You have no idea. I think most people don't realize just how many people love them, though. It's just the nature of humans to overlook the joy around them. We get too wrapped up in stuff that we think matters, but it doesn't really.
I love that you clap for things you like. I love that you try to do the hand movements to "itsy bitsy spider". I love your cuddles when you are tired. I love that your laughter is so contagious. I love that you try to zerbert my tummy like I do to yours. I love that you call both the cat and your father "da": I love that today you laughed so hard, you snorted. I love how you dance. I love that you'll sometimes look at me very thoughtfully, and then simply put your binky in my mouth. Afterwards, you always look like you've solved some huge problem.
You really are an amazing little girl.
I'd say I can't wait for the next year... but to be honest, I'm happy to let it pass by as slowly as possible.
Pleasant dreams, Lily.
See you in the morning.
Goodnight.
I love.you.
Nonsense. You'll always be my baby. Forever and ever.
I have so many wishes for you, Lily. So very many. I wish them everyday for you. I wish that you will always look at the world with new eyes. I wish that you'll always treat other people's hearts as you want yours to be treated. I wish that you will laugh everyday. I wish that you will always have a hand to hold. I wish that you always know the joy of loving, and being loved. I wish that you always do your best to make this world a better place. I wish for you to know that it's okay to cry when you want to cry. I wish for you to always dream big and shoot for the moon. I wish that your innocence will live forever somewhere in your heart. I wish for you to have your own sense of style and self. I wish you peace in your life. I wish that you too will one day know what a joy it is to have a daughter...
And the list goes on and on and on...
You are very lucky, you know. There's a lot of people out there who love you. You have no idea. I think most people don't realize just how many people love them, though. It's just the nature of humans to overlook the joy around them. We get too wrapped up in stuff that we think matters, but it doesn't really.
I love that you clap for things you like. I love that you try to do the hand movements to "itsy bitsy spider". I love your cuddles when you are tired. I love that your laughter is so contagious. I love that you try to zerbert my tummy like I do to yours. I love that you call both the cat and your father "da": I love that today you laughed so hard, you snorted. I love how you dance. I love that you'll sometimes look at me very thoughtfully, and then simply put your binky in my mouth. Afterwards, you always look like you've solved some huge problem.
You really are an amazing little girl.
I'd say I can't wait for the next year... but to be honest, I'm happy to let it pass by as slowly as possible.
Pleasant dreams, Lily.
See you in the morning.
Goodnight.
I love.you.
First Birthday Reflections - Part I
A year ago today, I learned just how big love can be. It is overwhelming, and I don't think that there are words that can do it justice. Certainly none that I know. But the moment I saw your face, it washed over me like an ocean. It was like going underwater, and realizing that you can breathe just fine there. And it's not something that you get used to, or that calms over time. It holds me every day and night, and I am constantly aware of the sheer size of it. It is something that is living. But living is the wrong word... it is something that is more than living. It is what makes the soul whole.
A year ago today, I heard your cry for the first time. I felt your skin on mine for the first time. I met your gaze for the first time. I fed you milk for the first time. I watched you sleep for the first time. I kissed your forehead for the first time.
A year ago today, I learned what a mother's worry truly is. What I scoffed at as a teenager, became something new to me in an instant. A mother's worry is not the anxiety of one woman for her child. A mother's worry is collective anxiety of all mother's for all children. In an instant every news story became personal.
My beautiful Lilybug, you are a year old today. The poem states that "Wednesday's child is full of woe", and you are anything but. You laugh everyday the minute I walk into your room. You clap and dance. There hasn't been a single day yet without some joy.
A lot has happened in the year that you came into our lives - some good, some bad. It has been a year of a lot of ups and downs. There might be a lot to be learned from all that's gone on, but to be honest, I'm not really sure. The only thing that comes to mind when I look back is a line from Muppets Take Manhattan (yes, even the muppets can offer sagely advice) - "peoples is peoples". If I am able to teach you anything in life, my Bug, I hope that that is it. There are wars and killings happening all over the world because of religion. There are kids committing suicide because they are gay. There are families torn apart (including our own) just because someone can't accept who another person is - whether it be their faith, sexual orientation, or simple personality flaw. Our differences are what allow us to grow as spirits. They are what give us perspective. I think it's the prime reason I love to argue. And it's okay to argue, Lily - just do it with an open ear and reasoning mind. And in the end, there's nothing wrong in agreeing to disagree. And you should embrace the fact that someone else sees the world in a different way. It's a good thing.
But it's sad that it tears people apart. Because it doesn't have to.
I'm not a perfect person. I'm certainly not a perfect mom. But I can offer you the certainty that I will always love you. I can promise that I will always listen when you argue, in hopes that it will teach you to do the same. I will give to you all that I have, my daughter. But it's up to you how you apply it.
Happy first birthday, Lilybug. Thank you for the greatest gift in the world - being your mom. I love you.
They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
A year ago today, I heard your cry for the first time. I felt your skin on mine for the first time. I met your gaze for the first time. I fed you milk for the first time. I watched you sleep for the first time. I kissed your forehead for the first time.
A year ago today, I learned what a mother's worry truly is. What I scoffed at as a teenager, became something new to me in an instant. A mother's worry is not the anxiety of one woman for her child. A mother's worry is collective anxiety of all mother's for all children. In an instant every news story became personal.
My beautiful Lilybug, you are a year old today. The poem states that "Wednesday's child is full of woe", and you are anything but. You laugh everyday the minute I walk into your room. You clap and dance. There hasn't been a single day yet without some joy.
A lot has happened in the year that you came into our lives - some good, some bad. It has been a year of a lot of ups and downs. There might be a lot to be learned from all that's gone on, but to be honest, I'm not really sure. The only thing that comes to mind when I look back is a line from Muppets Take Manhattan (yes, even the muppets can offer sagely advice) - "peoples is peoples". If I am able to teach you anything in life, my Bug, I hope that that is it. There are wars and killings happening all over the world because of religion. There are kids committing suicide because they are gay. There are families torn apart (including our own) just because someone can't accept who another person is - whether it be their faith, sexual orientation, or simple personality flaw. Our differences are what allow us to grow as spirits. They are what give us perspective. I think it's the prime reason I love to argue. And it's okay to argue, Lily - just do it with an open ear and reasoning mind. And in the end, there's nothing wrong in agreeing to disagree. And you should embrace the fact that someone else sees the world in a different way. It's a good thing.
But it's sad that it tears people apart. Because it doesn't have to.
I'm not a perfect person. I'm certainly not a perfect mom. But I can offer you the certainty that I will always love you. I can promise that I will always listen when you argue, in hopes that it will teach you to do the same. I will give to you all that I have, my daughter. But it's up to you how you apply it.
Happy first birthday, Lilybug. Thank you for the greatest gift in the world - being your mom. I love you.
They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Friday, 13 August 2010
10 months tomorrow
My Little Lilybug...
You've grown so big! 29.5 inches and 21.9 pounds. You're finally out of your infant car seat. You took a step and a half! But you've only done it one or two more times since then. For now you do this weird crawl with one foot on the ground. It cracks me up. You can point to my nose, eyes, and mouth. We're working on ears. You can also show me "one". You learn at lightning speed. It's crazy!
Oh! And let's not forget that you finally have your first tooth!
The past few days you've been sick and just miserable. A fever of 102.2! You'd just curl up next to me and drift in and out of sleep. I did the same. My poor bug... thankfully, you're feeling better now.
It dawns on me that your first birthday will be here soon. I can't even fathom that. Where has this year gone?? I swear I brought you home from the hospital just yesterday.
I love the way you cling to my shirt when I hold you. I love your giggle when I tickle you. I love the look on your face when you are insistent on talking to Lenore... and I wonder what you are discussing with her. I love your open-mouthed kisses. I love your sleepy face. I love your bath splashes.
I love every single thing about you.
You've grown so big! 29.5 inches and 21.9 pounds. You're finally out of your infant car seat. You took a step and a half! But you've only done it one or two more times since then. For now you do this weird crawl with one foot on the ground. It cracks me up. You can point to my nose, eyes, and mouth. We're working on ears. You can also show me "one". You learn at lightning speed. It's crazy!
Oh! And let's not forget that you finally have your first tooth!
The past few days you've been sick and just miserable. A fever of 102.2! You'd just curl up next to me and drift in and out of sleep. I did the same. My poor bug... thankfully, you're feeling better now.
It dawns on me that your first birthday will be here soon. I can't even fathom that. Where has this year gone?? I swear I brought you home from the hospital just yesterday.
I love the way you cling to my shirt when I hold you. I love your giggle when I tickle you. I love the look on your face when you are insistent on talking to Lenore... and I wonder what you are discussing with her. I love your open-mouthed kisses. I love your sleepy face. I love your bath splashes.
I love every single thing about you.
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