I try to write these little notes to you unedited. It's hard, because right now you're a sweet, innocent little 18 month old girl without a care or concern in the world. For me to decensor myself, and still think of you is rough sometimes - despite the fact that you'll likely be well into adulthood when you finally discover all of this. The swiftness of time becomes painfully apparent as a parent. I want nothing more than to stop the world for just a short moment, so I can drink this time in a little deeper.
I've been talking more to God lately. Why I tell you this, I'm not sure. Maybe for no other reason so that you know I do talk to God. It's not to say I'm religious. Religion is a man-made thing. But I've been spiritual for most of my life. I like the ideas in many religions - Buddhism, Wicca, Christianity, Islaam... but I've just never been able to trust the interpretations of man. We are all faulted. Anywho, back to my chats... I used to talk with God on a regular basis. Daily, even. I'd stare at the stars at night and just... talk. Sometimes it was about nothing. Sometimes it was about troubles. Many times it was about all the good there was. And for whatever reason, I always had an overwhelming feeling that I was being listened to. Now that's not to say that prayers were being answered constantly. More like a big shoulder was there for me to lean my head on and ramble on to. In the past few years, my conversations have become almost non-existent. I have no other reasoning but getting wrapped up in my own life. Being so exhausted at the end of the day that I literally collapse and pass out. It's not healthy, being stuck in your little bubble like that. I've missed my chats - something that was always personal and comforting. So I've made time, now. Gone back to speaking with God about not just my life, but all that's around me. Keeping a spiritual presence with me. I think it's something that so easy for us to lose. For whatever reason, our spiritual connections tend to go by the wayside to make room for more seemingly important things like laundry and money and careers. None of those things are as important as staying spiritually grounded, Bug. I can't say that I know who is on the other end listening. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's an angel, or a passed loved one. I really don't know. But I know there's someone on the other end who gives a damn enough to listen to me gripe. And to listen to me gush. And to listen to me cry. I know there's someone listening the way you know the tv is on, even when there is no volume or picture.
Now more than ever, I need to keep connected. Unlike me, you will not grow up going to church. So it will be all on me and those who love you to show you to your own spiritual path. There will be no mindless repetition of stories and rituals, and no religious instruction book. There will be you and I, and all those around us who love us, and a Greater Existence that we cannot possibly understand. I hope I can teach you to love and appreciate that Being we call God. Because I can say with all the certainty I have that He (or She or It) is there and watching us and rooting for the good that He put in our hearts to win over the nonsense our brains tend to make. Please don't ask me how I know. I just do. And I hope that you will connect yourself enough with this Earth, with people, and with even the littlest of creatures to find that our yourself.
I'm off to have another chat while both of my loves sleep soundly. Clearly, I have much to say thank you for.
<3
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